Bitter feelings...when will this end???

Since I've got back home for Christmas, I've been flooded with memories of the times I had with my friends just a few months ago.

One memory that stands out in particular; when I realised I had fallen in love with my best friend ; the most naive girl on the planet.

All the time I've been thinking about this, I haven't been able to ignore the pain I went through. Her naivety gave her an excuse to "ignorantly" act a certain way around me, which made me wonder if she wanted more than a friendship. Her childish naggings of "I don't fancy you!" collided with her naive ignorance, and resulted in mass confusion, fear and much pain for me. I've always had a sneaky suspicion that she acted that way for fun, to get her own way, to wrap me around her little finger so that I would do everything she said. But for a whole 2 years that I knew her, my suspicions were never confessed by her, and she continued to act that way.

It is these two factors - proper naivety, or false naivety - that bring a mass of confusion, and bitter feelings back with these memories. I think deep down, I still love her a little bit, but only a very little bit...but everything I feel when I think of her is just pain. The memories of her actions that caused me harm, and the memories of her naive actions that caused me harm, bring so many bitter feelings. And the fact that she seemed like she couldn't care less when I told her everything, brings even more bitter feelings.

I haven't seen her these whole holidays so far because she's been away, and she gets back on the day I go back to university. I won't see her for a long time, so perhaps I'll feel differently come that time, but at the moment one thought remains. I for some reason feel like I never, ever want to see her again, never, ever speak to her again, and not have anything about me ever said to her again. I feel like I'd be so much happier if this would happen, and that as a result of this she would be sad. I guess her pain (if she cared enough to get hurt by this) would make me happy...but I don't hate her.

But my moral side is questioning it. I guess this could be an instinctive natural reaction to such an emotionally painful time. And she's good friends with all of my old friends who I've been seeing so much of this past week. It would be hard to not see her again, because I do so much with these friends. It may hurt these friends aswell, even though they are not directly involved.

I just feel so bitter, and have done for ages. And I feel like the only thing that could get rid of these feelings, is to never see her again...to hurt her

__________________
PUKE:
Patience
Understanding
Knowledge
EXPERIENCE

remember this man life sucks then you die

__________________
"I am bleeding Makeing me the victor" Whimp low
Each man, one way;
Each horse, one stance;
Each church, one buddha;
Each master to his own technique. (ha nevilleb i saw drunkmaster too)

ahh, may be when you stop blaming other people.

__________________
Engrish does not mine strong point.

I have had the same feelings in the past. So let me offer some advice based on experience...

It doesn't matter what you do, you'll always be the one that hurts more. If you try to never see her again, you'll always be wondering if that is causing her pain. And it won't be. At least not as much as you'd like it to. That will just cause you more pain. Believe me, it's an awful circle.

Also, the "make myself better (psychologically, intelligently, physically, etc) to make her want me more" approach doesn't work either. She'll never care as much as you want her to. You'll feel worse. Same circle over again.

Just deal with it. Avoid her if seeing her causes you pain, not because you want to cause her pain. Just live. You'll get past it eventually, or at least the pain with dull. But things like this take time.

One more bit of advice. Don't try to stifle the bitter feelings. Let them be. Explore them. Are you really angry at her Or angry at yourself for allowing you to be open and vulnerable I know from my experiences it has been some of both.

If you do run into her, you don't have to be friendly, just civil.

__________________
You must learn to balance a tack hammer on your head, so you can head off your foes with a balanced attack!

Embaressement has lead you to this bitter empass.

Let it go.

__________________
Faith itself, compelled by the Holy Spirit, possesses an inner dynamism that necessitates deeper understanding. ~Thomas Weinandy O.F.M.

emotions are at the comand of thoughts, thoughts are at your command......both come and go and can be easily changed

__________________
You are not where you have been and you are not where you are going you are only here.

Vap, that's the thing that's pissing me off the most. I don't know if I can blame her or not...something in me really wants to blame her for what she did, but at the same time I don't think it's fair.

__________________
PUKE:
Patience
Understanding
Knowledge
EXPERIENCE

jeembo don't blame someone for your feelings..
it puts them in control
take control over your thoughts

Chief108

__________________

“	Question Authority. Question Society. Question Reality. Question Yourself. Question your conclusions, your judgments, your answers. Question this. If you question everything thoroughly enough, the truth will eventually hit you upside the head and you will know. But here’s a warning: It won’t be what you imagined. It won’t be even close.	”

all hail Martyr Fakka

What boil down to is this. You are blaming her for not going out with you.

The best thing one of my friend did when he got rejected by his good friend was to get himself totally drunk then said every vile thing he could say about her and occasionally saying he is miserable. Quickest route to recovery in my view.

You with repressed emotion and all that, it is going to take loooooooon time. Life suck sometimes, doesn't it.

__________________
Engrish does not mine strong point.

" I still love her "

know the feeling. But life goes on, and new love will come. Just keep on going, and don't let the love you feel and is not reciporcated stop your life.

__________________
"You're lucky buddhism teaches freedom from desire, because I have the desire to kick your ass!" -Richard Gere- from the Simpsons

As Aqira said thoughts are a controllable thing. The problem here is that they are connected to memories. Memories have a way of surfaceing without being called on. You have to start enjoying your memories as they come. Dont allow yourself the despair and the memories will supply you with good feeling of a time in your life that you enjoyed.
Just another stage of developement.

We are all works in progress. The Pain is as important to who we will become as the pleasures.
She has helped you in the evolution of the thing called jeembo. Alow that, be thankful for it and be ready for all the other things in your life that are part of the process.

__________________
One hit, see blood.

It's not enough to just not get hit

Start with a card.See how she responds.Offer the Olive Branch with two hands,like an alms bowl.Don't swing it like a club.

__________________
To love Benevolence without loving Learning leads to foolishness.
To love Sincerity without loving Learning will bring conflict.
To love Wisdom without loving Learning will lead to vagaries.
To love Forthrightness without loving Learning will make one rash.
To love Strength without loving Learning will make one wild.
To love Courage without loving Learning will invite disaster.
-Confucius

jeembo, let it go.

life's too short for beating yourself up over some sweet sixteen crush, or whatever it may be


if it was me,(and it usually is), id be out looking for the bbd(bigger better deal). go find a woman instead of talking with us over the net.There's so much to be see, you just have to look in the right places

keep on keepin on lifes a garden dig it

__________________
"I am bleeding Makeing me the victor" Whimp low
Each man, one way;
Each horse, one stance;
Each church, one buddha;
Each master to his own technique. (ha nevilleb i saw drunkmaster too)

“	I don't know if I can blame her or not...something in me really wants to blame her for what she did, but at the same time I don't think it's fair.	”

\
Dragonette quote you can take from the grave here:

"If you put faith in someone for any reason (specially matters of the heart) and they let you down-it is no ones fault but your own for putting faith where it is not deservent."

Ex-husband taught me that. One of the few "hard life" theories of his that I agree w/.

“	I think deep down, I still love her a little bit, but only a very little bit...but everything I feel when I think of her is just pain.	”

The worse part of these kind of scenarios are the memories of good times....suddenly you look back on them and you know longer appreciate the fun you had. Like an awesome night you had with that person, or day, whatever...now those beautiful memories of love/lust and the rose-colored joy experienced at the time are now tainted with bitter acknowledgement of what really went down.
I feel for you little Jeembo. Most all of us know what is like to have your heart torn out. It is much more painful when the motivation for the heart break was just little ego games of some *****. That hurts the most, I understand, hence my original quote. Don't be too bitter my friend, you will do no good to marinate yourself in hate. Just remember the lesson to be learned and never give your love to someone who does not deserve it.

I LOVE U JEEEMBO!!!!!!!


Feel better now punk

__________________
“A man always has two reasons for what he does-a good one, and the real one.”
-John Pierpont Morgan

"I don't kick nutz, I break faces."
- Kay-kay, a literal relative of John Pierpont Morgan