 Butterscotch Explodecake/Hardened Cheese Lasagna
These recipe's do wonders for me, good food, good health.
Ingredients:
2 cups wheat flour
2 tbl. brown sugar
3 oz. refined weapons-grade plutonium
12 oz. Butterscotch cake mix
2 lbs. Composition 4 plastique explosive
1 egg
The problem most novice chefs have with desserts of this type is, of course, the radioactivity of the ingredients. But with a few precautions there's no reason this tasty cake should lead to the sterilization and brain cancer that so many of my recipes do.
So with safety in mind, step one is to give the 3 oz. of plutonium a nice coating of the C4, then pack the ball inside a spherical titanium blast core. If you don't have access to a titanium core, you can make one out of crushed grahm crackers by simply rolling them, then compressing them with your hands or a rolling pin until they are the same density as titanium. If you don't have access to weapons-grade plutonium, try substituting a mixture of Velveeta cheese, Spam shavings, and two teaspoons of Ms. Dash.
Once you have your core, (I hope you remembered to keep the isotope behind the fluid-filled lead radiation barriers, or else you will have received several lethal doses of radiation by now), prepare the cake mix per instructions. Pour it around your core and pop it into a 325 degree oven for 30 minutes. Watch the cooking closely: if you remove it from the heat too quickly, the interior of the cake will be sticky. If you leave it in for even one second too long, the plutonium will reach critical mass and the resulting 30-kiloton explosion will vaporize the city.
While the cake is still warm, sprinkle the brown sugar over the top as a garnish. You're done! The finished product should be very fluffy and moist, with a potential blast radius easily 1,000,000 times greater than other store-bought desserts. Your dinner guests' delight will be matched only by the terror felt by the world leaders as you unveil a treat capable of wreaking unspeakable destruction, turning the land into a blackened radioactive Hell if every knee doesn't bow to your evil demands.
It's also low in fat.
Ingredients:
4 tubes epoxy resin
4 12 Oz. blocks Cheddar Cheese
4 12 Oz. blocks Mozzarella
2 Tsp. fresh chives
1 lb. meat of your choice
2 boxes dried lasagna noodles
1 box Prego powdered Pasta Sauce
This is another one that takes a little time, so plan ahead!
First, set aside about six hours to grate your 8 blocks of cheese. DO NOT buy pre-shredded cheese. That's cheating. Once you have the cheese finely shredded, pile it into your ChefMaster Cheese Compressor. Turn it on.
After 20 minutes or so, the compressor will have formed the shredded cheese back into neat blocks, just the way you bought it. Lay them into your lasagna dish.
Next, layer your UNCOOKED noodles, powdered sauce, and meat over the cheese. Meld the ingredients together using the epoxy. The uncooked lasagna should now be about four inches high. Using a second pan, smash the ingredients into a dense layer about one inch thick. Remember: with this recipe, DENSITY IS THE KEY.
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Now, we want to give the flavors a chance to blend before we cook our lasagna. Let the lasagna sit on the counter uncovered for five years.
Now, check your oven to be sure you have reached the ideal temperature of 350, then pop the lasagna in for 45 minutes. Remove the lasagna, and cool it quickly by placing it in your CookWell Centrifuge. Spin it at 8,000 RPM's for 30 minutes, or until cool. Be careful! Those edges are sharp!
Next, you'll need to discourage your lasagna. Shout hateful insults at it for 15-20 minutes, at the top of your voice. Then give it a good, long stare. Try to stare at your lasagna in complete silence for at least two hours.
As an optional step, you can decorate the top of your lasagna with a blowtorch, or serve it immediately. The lasagna, which now has a density approximately 150% greater than titanium, can be used as a super-durable welcome mat, or hung around your neck as a bullet-proof vest.
Enjoy!
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