Signs your school might be bogus...

(taken from the UG)

Signs of a school of questionable quality:

- There is a photograph of David Carradine on the wall

- Instead of bowing when entering the school, students yell, "WAZZZZZUUUUP"

- The sensei claims advanced black belts in both sumu and judu

- Schedule: 6PM-7PM Rolling with Gi, 7PM-8PM Rolling without Gi, 8PM-9PM Rolling without shorts

- Caucasian sensei insists on speaking like Charlie Chan, claims, "Path to enlightenment like interstate freeway - no can ride in rickshaw"

- Beginner kata looks suspiciously like Macarena

- Dojo doubles as bakery thrift store from 6AM-6PM

- Punishments for students all involve filling out hundreds of identical sweepstakes applications with sensei's name

- "Greetings. I am Master Sapp."

- Instructor claims to have received black belt from Elvis Presely

- Training drills involve painting fence and waxing car

- Sensei claims to have "The Glow"

- Stundents taught to "steal opponent's energy" through mouth-to-mouth from the guard

- Sensei claims to be impervious to pain when he "Hulks Up"

- Mirrors in toilet stalls to help "Focus your Qi"

- You are taught the moonsault

- Vending machine in lobby dispenses cigarettes, Zima, and porn

- First lesson - defending yourself from an attacker wielding a banana

- School claims to be only licensed JoSonDo Academy in North America. They are mortal enemies of the SAFTA dojo, located in the next strip mall.

- Grappling dummies are anatomically correct. One appears to have been violated.

- Back of instructor's gi has advertisment for "Mellon Shakers Gentleman's Club"

- Training program includes 30 minutes of "looking like a badass"

- Sensei claims to have trained under "Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, Rickson Gracie, and Hong Kong Phooey"

- Closer inspection of trophies in lobby reveal most of them are for bowling

- New class - "Grappling in a thong - Sat Midnight"

-the school has an after practice smoking lounge

- Instructor demonstrates "Iron Palm" technique by sticking refrigerator magnet to hand

-you learn two hand techniques, no low kicks, and 48 different types of high kicks.

- the kata somehow resembles the funky chicken

- two words "Strip pointfighting"

- The instructor is out surfing while his favorite thriteen year old Black Belt teaches the adult class.

- The real owner of the school pays an old asian man to wear a kimono and sit in the coner of the school opposite of the parents.

- When you instructor has written a book on Martial arts... sells it to you... and there are no pictures, just advice on marketing.

-Trophies proudly displayed in the front window are also available for purchase

- Instructor is star of "Combat Hokey Pokey" instructional video.

- Grappling dummies are inflatable.

- Sensei refers to beginning students as 'jabronis'

- Chart on wall claims the secret to inflicting fatal injuries is "Left, Left, Down, Up+C button"

- Sensei claims to have participated in underground Kumite, where Jean Claude Van Dam dropped out rather than face him. Instead, he knocked out Ogre.

- Dojo sells kimono pants with three legs

- Rather than traditional "kiyaa", you are taught to yell, "That's my purse!"

- Beginner's techniques inclue 'Stink Face'

- Sensei teaches that farts are wasted Qi being removed from the body

- Sensei's own "wasted Qi" requires 45 minutes to vent from the bathroom

- Official team fight shorts are daisy dukes

Another one (although I actually heard someone say this)

- Your instructor claims he beat up Bruce Lee.

__________________
Brutal honesty fosters brutality more than honesty.

-If your next promotion requires you to watch Mortal Kombat III for instructional purposes.

-If your belts are labled in convienient 50.00 increments.

- You are always the dummy for "checking the oil" drills in front of the class.

- You are always the dummy for "monkey steals the peach" drills.

- The instructor has a mullet and claims it gives him his ultimate power

- Your master throws salt in your eyes during sparring

- The curriculum soley consists of ball shots and vanishing techniques

- The art's Asian name name is translated "Ass boxing"

- Besides a picture of Bruce Lee, there are several photos of Hank williams Jr. and a Rebel flag which you bow towards before every class

- Your master claims he was taught by asian master who threw him into rivers where he would have to swim across. His hands and feet were bound forcing him only to use his pecs for propulsion

- The instruction manual is the Tao of Baroni. And you bow to a picture of Tank Abbot.

- Your master claims his beer gut is "accumulated Qi," amd renders him impervious to all attacks.

- Your private lessons are in "The Eastern art of Oil Wrestling."

- Your dojo is "Clothing optional."

- Your school is sponsored by Fisher-Price.

- Your must refer to your master as "Big Poppa."

- Your master exchanges his traditional uniform for dancing tight "because it looks snappier."

- Your "secret Chinese dietary manual" looks suspiciously like a pack of Deal-a-Meal cards.

- Your sensei's last job was being "Slim Goodbody" on public TV.

- You are offered "private lessons" and told to meet at Chez L'Affite.

- Your dojo is a studio for "blue movies" during the day.

- You are often made to watch "instructional tapes" starring Chow Yun Fat, Jet Li, and the Five Venom Mob.

“	Originally Posted By: Sinister Minister - Your master throws salt in your eyes during sparring - The art's Asian name name is translated "Ass boxing" - Besides a picture of Bruce Lee, there are several photos of Hank williams Jr. and a Rebel flag which you bow towards before every class - Your master claims he was taught by asian master who threw him into rivers where he would have to swim across. His hands and feet were bound forcing him only to use his pecs for propulsion - Your master claims his beer gut is "accumulated Qi," amd renders him impervious to all attacks.	”

thanks for these, everyone in class looked at me for laughing at a multiple regression model on a calibrated sample for the purchase of the art history of florance. I just said no one else got the joke

__________________
"Today not possible, Tomorrow possible" - Eternal Grand Master Lee

"Brace yourself, SOMETHING is going to break"

Very good Sinmin. Did you make them up or did you nick them from somewhere else

Very funny either way. TY..................

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The best form of defence is attack!!

“	Originally Posted By: sokuto Very good Sinmin. Did you make them up or did you nick them from somewhere else Very funny either way. TY..................	”

I "nicked" most of them and made up a few of the last ones. Like the last 11 or so. And I edited a few of the earlier ones to make them less crass.

Either way, I'm glad you all liked them That's the goal. Add a little laughter to someone else's day!

“	- When you instructor has written a book on Martial arts... sells it to you... and there are no pictures, just advice on marketing.	”

Matt Furey!!!!!! http://www.personaltrainerprofit.com/

and teher probably are some more on that list that are more real than you can imagine....

Chief108

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“	Question Authority. Question Society. Question Reality. Question Yourself. Question your conclusions, your judgments, your answers. Question this. If you question everything thoroughly enough, the truth will eventually hit you upside the head and you will know. But here’s a warning: It won’t be what you imagined. It won’t be even close.	”

all hail Martyr Fakka

chief, I edited out several others that were aimed right at Matt Furey. Must have missed that one...

“	- Sensei claims to have "The Glow"	”

like this
http://www.worldkungfu.com/timedistortion2.html

Chief108

__________________

“	Question Authority. Question Society. Question Reality. Question Yourself. Question your conclusions, your judgments, your answers. Question this. If you question everything thoroughly enough, the truth will eventually hit you upside the head and you will know. But here’s a warning: It won’t be what you imagined. It won’t be even close.	”

all hail Martyr Fakka

“	Originally Posted By: Sinister Minister chief, I edited out several others that were aimed right at Matt Furey. Must have missed that one...	”

LOL....
this one was very clear tho!!!

Chief108

__________________

“	Question Authority. Question Society. Question Reality. Question Yourself. Question your conclusions, your judgments, your answers. Question this. If you question everything thoroughly enough, the truth will eventually hit you upside the head and you will know. But here’s a warning: It won’t be what you imagined. It won’t be even close.	”

all hail Martyr Fakka

"- The instructor has a mullet and claims it gives him his ultimate power"

When did Harold Howard open a school

__________________
No matter where you go, you are what you are player
And you can try to change but that's just the top layer
Man, you was who you was 'fore you got here
Only God can judge me, so I'm gone
Either love me, or leave me alone

Sin Min,
A good read and a good laugh
thanks

Keith Hackney also had a super mullet. With him I'd believe it actually did give him power.

And Harold Howard actually did open a school several years ago, even invented a new martial art for it.

# The instructor orders an Earle Montaigue Video, watches it and then proclaims "I now know Tai Chi. There is only one problem though, I can't feel the chi...".

No jokes, I've actually known a guy who did just that!

nevilleb

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Each man, one way;
Each horse, one stance;
Each church, one buddha;
Each master to his own technique.